A little more serious than my other posts....

Tonight at church Chris sang a new song from his new CD called "How Can I Keep From Singing?" He and Matt Redman worked together on this old hymn and came up with a sweet version. Tonight it hit me as I was worshipping during this song, that lately I have had a wall up in my life. There was a point in the song that talked about shouting out, that being filled with the Holy Spirit will make you shout out to Him, and sing to Him and give Him praises! That no matter what the circumstances, keep singing. When you see all that God is and what He has done, how can you not keep from shouting and singing!
I realized tonight that I have felt like this wall has kept me back from shouting out and singing. I desire to be filled so full with the Spirit that I can't help but shout! I feel like I haven't felt that in awhile. I miss singing and using my gift to lead others in worship. Tonight as we were singing about no matter what the circumstances are keep singing, I just kept thinking, "Lord you don't want me to stop singing, there will be a day when I will be singing at your throne and it will be for eternity!" The sweet thing is, is that I am full of the Spirit. When I asked Jesus to take over my life, He gave me His Spirit to take full residency in my body. God is full, there is nothing in Him that is empty or lacking. I have that in me. His Spirit to the full. That should cause me to shout out and sing. But why is it that it's not happening?
Am I just going through a "season"?
I know that since being in Austin, God has been doing amazing things, and I love being a part of it. But also, since being in Austin, my weaknesses and my feelings of being inadequate have crept up on me and are suffocating me. I know that it is not from the Lord. It seems that being in a new place, around new people who I don't know and who don't know who I am, are magnifying all of my weaknesses and are feeding me lies more than God's word and His promises. Tonight at church the Spirit also hit me with the fact that I am being so self-focused in all of this. I need to take my eyes off of myself and put them on Jesus. But it has been overwhelming to have this wall that keeps coming up when I am hit with all of these lies, and it's a wall that keeps telling myself "I CAN'T do this." "I can't talk...I can't make a decision...I can't make waffles...I can't...whatever" It seems like in every little situation this wall comes up and then I shut down. It's weird because I don't feel like I have ever been this way in this intensity. I don't know if it is because everything around me is new or what. I know that it is not from the Lord.
I'm learning so much through this time, and I really think that God is refining me. His Spirit in me is more powerful than any personality flaw I think I may have. His Spirit in me is more powerful than any wall that comes up to keep me from being who God created me to be. His Spirit is full and that fullness is in me. I have to surrender and trust, let it go and breathe in the freedom.
He is great and He is the one that breaks strongholds, He is the one that restores and heals, He is the one that captivates our hearts and puts His love inside.
He is filling me up, and I will be full.