I'm Swimming.

Tonight Hilary had her group and I hung out in my room just spending some time catching up on some emails and also spending some time in the word.
It seems that God and I are wrestling through some stuff...which has lead to a few breakdowns!
I'll be honest...it's true...I breakdown.
It needs to happen...I sit before God...read some of His words...I talk about it with a few people...they set me straight...and then I feel better.
It's sometimes a vicious cycle. But I know that God is up to something.
I was talking to a friend and I was saying that I sometimes feel like I am going under, drowning, then God reaches down and brings me up above the water...and I come out coughing, spitting out water, trying to catch air and flailing...that doesn't always look very graceful or pretty.
My friend's response: "You say that you feel like you're drowning and God is bringing you above water. Could it be that He's just teaching you how to swim?"
yup yup! alright! My response..."yes sir! I do believe he is teaching me how to swim!!...but I may need a life vest...or a noodle."
God is teaching me and working me for a purpose. It's hard. But it's good. I don't know for what. But I have to keep surrendering...a lot...it sort of makes me want to throw up. But a good throw up...I guess...sort of like how I've explained that feeling I get after church service (see previous posts) I'm weird...I know.
Hilary found my "Healing CD" that I made after a tough time I went through a few years ago. It's a CD of some amazing songs that really blessed me during that time.
She was playing it tonight after her group and I was so encouraged. Again, music does something to me. God uses it to get to me.
Here are some lyrics from a couple of different songs that hit me tonight...

"To the cross I run, Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free, Free to be what I've become
Undone
Hallelujah I'm undone!"

"There is a heaven
Open your eyes
And there you have no disguise
He’ll never leave you
No need to hide
He’s always by your side"

"In all that I have found
Your evidence abounds
I've always sensed Your fingerprints
If I just look around
And yet this grand display
Will all soon pass away
So I hold on to the mighty truth
That Your love is here to stay
The love of the Lord endures
The love of the Lord endures
If there's one thing I can be sure
It's that the love of the Lord endures
When I stumble
When I fall
When I'm walking ten feet tall
Your love is there day after day
Even at the worst extreme
Or after I have been redeemed
Your love is there
And it won't let me go"

"I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing"

Jesus-
I come again to You, You call me, You say my name...the name You've given to me..."beautiful bride, my darling". Could You really mean me? I know You do, you tell me over and over that I am Yours, that You have given me a new name, a new life...one that is hidden in You, covered by You, clothed with You. Thank You. Thank You for reminding me when my mind tries to separate from that truth, when it tries to go back to the old me. You are so quick to capture it once again and comfort me with Your words, with Your Spirit. I can't see You, but I dream of that day. I know You are here. Your gentle whispers, Your Spirit in Your children that You use in my life, the sense of the Spirit in me, bringing me to worship. My Love, keep pursuing me. I desire You, I desire the depths of my heart to burn for You. Love, bring me to my knees, bring me to my face. The realization that it was my sin that held You there, You would have it no other way. Again, I'm on my face. What else can I do, but give my life to You? You made the world and You came to the world. You created man, You became a man. You created the universe and know each star by name, You created me and You call me "my beautiful bride, my darling". Again, I'm on my face. What else can I do, but give my life to You? I love You. Thank You for loving me in creative ways. Thank You for fixing my brokenness and for healing my heart. I stand amazed. LOVE.