Why do I blog? Why do I say the things I say? Why do I share the things I share? God has given me a voice. A heart to be real and raw. I'm not ok. You are not ok. And we need to be ok with that. So will I share what I'm struggling with? yes, with boundaries. Will I share what I'm sad about? yes, with boundaries. Will I share what I'm rejoicing about? yes, with boundaries. Will I share the hope that I have found in this? yes, with no boundaries. I love writing and I feel like it's a way for me to express myself and for me to process sometimes. If by doing so, one person is blessed, it's worth it. To know you are not walking alone and someone else goes through the same struggles...there is a part of freedom that happens. I feel like God has called me to this place. Read this blog if you want. Don't read if it's too much for you. This is me and this is my life.
I am NOT a reader...but I love books. I have so many books it's ridiculous considering I probably have only read a few of them in their entirety. Anyway, I'm on a book kick again and here are some books that you should check out:
A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller Forgotten God by Francis Chan You Can Change by Tim Chester In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen Future Grace by John Piper
I love music. I love dancing. I love singing. I love that you can feel something through these things that you would never be able to experience apart from what you can feel and experience through music, or dance, or singing. Does that make sense? A story is told through a dance...watching this with the music that is put to it...allows you to experience this feeling at a whole new depth than if someone were to just tell you the story. Maybe that is the artist in me. Take a look at this video from one of my favorite shows "So You Think You Can Dance". This choreography is brilliant and I feel like it captures what I am trying to say. I watch this and every part of my insides just go crazy. There is just something so amazing and beautiful when you can convey something so powerful through music and through dance. (maybe I'm supposed to be a dancer, deep down inside me somewhere...I'm pretty sure of it.) Watch the video here
God is funny. I mean seriously...He makes me smile when He works in ways I don't get. If y'all read my last post, you know that I have been living in Funky Town for awhile. I'm still visiting...but with different eyes. I wrote that post on Saturday and I knew that when Sunday came...I would be standing in front of thousands, leading worship. To be completely honest I thought to myself...how in the world am I going to stand up there and lead? I don't even want to get out of bed! God in His graciousness reminded me to come as I am. Broken. Needy. A mess. Completely helpless. He grabbed my heart and led me to a place on Saturday where I just let go. I surrendered and gave up. Seeing that He still deserves to be worshiped no matter what state I'm in. He meets me where I'm at, He wants me where I'm at, He just wants me...funk and all. Sunday came and I walked up on that stage praying this as we led worship: God this is You. This is not me. I have nothing to give. You said to come as I am. Here I am. Thank You. Thank You for calling me to this, for calling me in the middle of my heart being a mess, for calling me to come to You and worship You...
...O sovereign God, O matchless King the saints adore, the angels sing... And fall before the throne of grace To you belongs all highest praise... These sufferings, this passing tide under your wings I will abide... And every enemy shall flee You are my hope and victory... To the valley for my soul Thy great descent has made me whole... Your word my heart has welcomed home And peace like water ever flows...
Thank you for Your peace. Thank You for giving me hope and victory. I praise you Father, praise the Son, praise the Spirit three in one.
....Let mercy fall on me.... Everyone needs forgiveness the kindness of a Savior... So take me as you find me All my fears and failures Come fill my life again... I give my life to follow Everything I believe in... Now I surrender.... ....Shine Your light and let the whole world see... We're singing for the glory of the risen King...
Lord I come to you as I am. Use me and fill me up so that it is ALL YOU. I lift my hands in surrender to You. All my fears. All my failures. All of me...take me. May I shine for You, may these people shine for You Jesus. Open their hearts and let them shine for Your glory.
...We were once your enemy... now displayers of your mercy Called from darkness into light... ...for the hopeless and the weary For the broken and the needy... For Your glory, send Your Spirit and let it rise...
God You have called me out of darkness... given me hope in the light... to shine for You in the hopeless, weary and broken places... it's for YOUR glory.
...arrested by your truth and righteousness Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness... convicted by your spirit led by your word... Your love will never fail Your love will never fail... ...You loved a people underserving...
I'm covered by Your righteousness and Your grace. Your love will never leave me. Your love will never fail me. I am undeserving...but You loved and You gave. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
...filled with wonder, awestruck wonder At the mention of Your name....
I'm in awe of You Jesus. In awe.
...I know that You're alive You came to fix my broken life... And I'll sing to glorify Your holy name... Jesus Christ... ...You changed it all You broke down the wall when I spoke and confessed In You I am blessed now I walk in the light, the victorious sight of You...
The light of You, is the light in me. This is You. Not me. Thank You for picking up my pieces and putting them back together again. You fix and You heal. I sing and glorify YOU. Thank You for singing through me. You give more than I deserve. Thank You.
Jeff Mangum gave the message and you should listen to it. It was VERY fitting. By the end of the day I had a smile on my face despite the fact that it was 105 degrees outside and the air conditioning all day wasn't working... I was a hot stinky mess. I had a smile on my face because God allowed the week that I had. He walked me through a valley that needed to be walked through in order to experience Him the way I did on Sunday. He filled me up and I walked away that night with a confidence in Him. All day long, each service I felt these songs and these prayers being moved by the Spirit. It was so intense. I'm thankful. So thankful. What I'm not saying is that the funk is miraculously over. It's not. I wish...but it's not. It seems as though I have different eyes in the funk. There are greater purposes here. I'm believing in that.
Songs: Praise the Father, Praise the Son by Chris Tomlin Mighty to Save by Hillsong Rise & Shine by Andy Melvin To Know Your Name by Hillsong Revelation Song by Kari Jobe Fire Fall Down by Hillsong
To be completely honest. I'm struggling. Once again I have found myself in a funk. I feel like this is a familiar place to me. I get here often and I get real frustrated about that. I start to close myself off and I can't stop sleeping, I kind of just want to give up and I don't care...anyone know what I'm talking about?! I have a feeling I'm not alone in this. I cry a lot. I don't really want to be around people I don't know...even hard to be around people I do know. I'm tired. But this is what I know. Jesus hasn't changed. My emotions and everything in me changes but HE hasn't changed. He never, not even once, looks at me and says, "girl...you crazy. I'm out." I'm so thankful for that. SO thankful. I think about how this week has been up and down and how on numerous occasions I've wanted to turn my back and just walk (more like run) as fast away as I can. But He stops me and somehow lovingly reels me back in. I will walk forward...continue taking steps...even if it looks like rolling out of bed and lying on the floor for a little bit...I will continue to worship Him. I will stand and lead in the state that I'm in because He takes me as I am and He still is to be worshiped. In my weakness HE is strong. There is nothing in me that can do this. But HE can. I just happened to listen to this song this morning by Kari Jobe, it's called My Beloved. It pretty much wrecked me out and I can't stop listening to it...then I decided that I needed to learn how to play it. Then I decided to record it for y'all to hear it. Disclaimer: I'm a mess & it's rough. I can hear God singing this to me over and over and over and over... Here are the lyrics:
You're My beloved your My bride To sing over you is My delight Come away with Me My love
Under My mercy come and wait Till we are standing face to face I see no stain on you My child
You're beautiful to Me So beautiful to Me
I sing over you My song of peace Cast all your cares down at My feet Come and find your rest in Me
I breathe My life inside of you I'll bear you up on eagle's wings And hide you in the shadow of My strength I'll take you to My quiet waters I'll restore your soul Come rest in me and be made whole
You're My beloved your My bride To sing over you is My delight Come away with Me My love
I need to post this video...many of you requested it a LONG time ago...and now it's finally here. When I went back home to Iowa to visit my family there was a certain incident in the car ride. My mom and my sisters had an art show in Minneapolis and so my bro-in-law Joe drove us. All adults...no kids...equals crazy. I feel slightly sorry for Joe having to deal with us girls. But whatevs. He likes it deep down inside. When my mom and sisters and I get together things get silly. This particular incident happened after our fabulous meal at Texas Roadhouse. (I LOVE BUNS) This may not be funny at all, so sorry if you find it ridiculous. My mom also would like everyone to know that she in fact did NOT pee her pants...it was just close. (yeah right) Enjoy!
Oh my. I am a SLACKER!!! I can't believe how long it has been since I have blogged. This could mean several things.... That I'm entirely WAY too busy...or That I'm entirely WAY too lazy... or both. :) Probably a little of both. I have probably lost most of my readers...but I'm going to turn this back around. I'm going to start fresh. I think about all that has happened since May 3 (that was my last post...WOW!) and I get a little overwhelmed thinking about updating you all on EVERYTHING! I'm going to try and be better at this. I'll try and fill you in little by little on all the craziness and get back to sharing life with y'all. I'll leave you with two (out of six) of my precious little ones. I miss them all. I need them. Now.Can you even handle this?! Ok. Max dimples I can't even handle. Lily princess, oh my heart.
Thanks all you loyal readers for hanging in with me...if you still read this give a shout out to let me know you are still there...and that I should keep this going!
