Beautiful Weepiness

So, as I reflect on my week last week, here is what was going on (sorry it's long):

I was weepy.
I don't really know what my problem was.
I just felt blah and to be honest there was a feeling of just wanting to give up. I'm tired.
I guess this is part of my high highs and my low lows. I've been told this is part of being an artistic type.
Artsy/creative people have high highs and low lows...any other high/low artsy people out there?!
I know that I have not been in the Word. I need to be.
I have not been praying faithfully...I need to be.
When I look at it all this way, all I see is "I've Failed."
I've failed at all the things I know I should be doing to be a "good christian".
When I'm in this funk...I have to go back to grace and to God's love for me that is NOT dependent on being a "good christian".
If that were the case, we would ALL be void of a GREAT, SATISFYING love.
He gives us His love and it is never ending, it is deep and true, it never leaves.
We had our First Tuesday Prayer meeting last week. It was about suffering. Embracing it, enduring it, praising God in it.
Aaron asked me to sing with him and when he sent me the setlist I immediately thought, "There is no way I'm gonna get through this. I have nothing to give. I will cry through the entire thing."
I just humbly asked the Lord to just give me what I need...if that was to make it through the songs without tears. Awesome.
If it was to lose it through every song. Awesome.
I was choosing to believe that He knew exactly what needed to happen. I asked Him to remind me again and again that this wasn't about me.
It was a powerful night.
It started out by a good friend of mine being in a REALLY crazy goofy mood. He said over and over again, "I don't know why I'm so hyper!" (I know. God was using him!)
During sound check Aaron was playing different funny styles of music on the piano and my friend was interpretive dancing to it.
I laughed so hard.
Tears.
Not weepy tears, but laughing tears.
I started feeling the weepiness go away.
How could it not when a big black man goes pirouetting across the front of the church. :)
So not only did I make it through the songs without crying...but God gave an amazing strength that took away the weepy feeling completely.
He gave me a joy and a peace that didn't make sense and a love for His people as I saw many who worshiped with tears as they raised their hands in surrender praising God for their suffering.
It was a beautiful night.
As I left to go home that night I started feeling the heaviness come back.
I started thinking about all of the things going on around me. I have been told of so much suffering going on in different friends lives. It just hurts. I hurt for them and I don't know what to do.
I got in bed that night and opened up and read Psalm 121. Here is what it says in the Message translation:
"I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains? No, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains. He won't let you stumble, your Guardian God won't fall asleep. Not on your life! Israel's Guardian will never doze or sleep. God's your Guardian, right at your side to protect you- Shielding you from sunstroke, sheltering you from moonstroke. God guards you when you leave and when you return, he guards you now, he guards you always."
I went to bed believing that He is my help and all I need.
Wednesday I was still a little sad, but I didn't cry.
I was sad that I was going to miss an opportunity to help a friend of mine who was having a benefit for her non-profit.
She had asked me to play a 45 min. set. But the night ended up falling on Wed. night. Recovery night. I had already committed to leading worship that night @ Recovery and as I prayed about it just felt like I needed to be there. So I declined the opportunity.
As I got ready for worship and as we started Recovery still felt a heaviness that I didn't understand and I remember asking God what it was that He wanted and why did I need to be at Recovery that night.
The teaching was all about letting go of control and admitting that we are completely powerless and that we CAN'T do it. As much as we try and we think we can do certain things in order to have freedom, or to achieve what we want...we CAN'T do it.
We can't faithfully be in God's word.
We can't faithfully pray.
We will fail.
BUT GOD.
Releasing ourselves to God and admitting HIS power over our powerlessness will give us freedom, HE will give us faithfulness.
I felt myself yearning for that. Realizing how much I try and control, and realizing how much I want freedom.
We get to the open share time (that I usually lead) and another leader ends up leading the discussion. So I sit. Quiet. Still heavy.
Fast forward...to the end of the night I was walking out to my car with a friend and another girl from the group. She had been coming the last few weeks and I don't know her other than from our times together in open share.
I tell her goodnight as she heads to her car and my friend and I stand by my car talking for awhile.
Pretty soon this girl comes walking over to us and says "ok. this is random. I don't know you but I feel like God is wanting me to ask you how I can pray for you."
First of all...I noticed this girl hanging around longer afterwards while we were putting chairs away...she walked out to the parking lot with us...got in her car...started it...then turned it off, got out of her car and walked over to us...
"I just couldn't shake it and I was just going to leave...but I just couldn't...so is there anything I can pray for?!"
whatintheworld. who does that?!
It was awesome.
I don't know this girl. She doesn't know me. But God was up to something.
So I started sharing with her about my week. Completely thinking I was not making any bit of sense.
I get done sharing and was like, "sorry...that probably made no sense at all."
She said, "you have no idea how much this makes sense to me. It's crystal clear."
She went on to say that during our open share time, she noticed my face and how it had looked different than past weeks and that she knew something was up.
She also said that she got the sense that I loved on people well and that maybe I just needed to be loved on.
It was all very interesting...and very cool.
She kept apologizing about how random and weird it probably was.
Random and weird and AWESOME!!!! It completely made my night.
That she got in her car...started it...then turned it off and knew that she couldn't leave without asking to pray for me.
God.
This is completely God. Not me, not this girl. GOD!
Do you see it!?
God continues to show me His love. How I don't deserve it, but how freely He gives it.
The rest of the week was up and down. God really showing up and showing me that He cares, that He loves me, that He never leaves me.
I continue to hear of suffering all around me. People who are hurting and going through really hard stuff.
Friday night I woke up at 3am sobbing uncontrollably.
I had a dream about my dad.
It was the same exact dream that I had a couple of weeks ago that woke me up crying. I could not stop crying. I went to get a drink of water and when I walked into the living room I noticed on the wall a picture that my dad made. It was hanging on the wall.
It wasn't hanging on the wall before.
My roommate hung it up the day before...and somehow didn't see it until that moment.
I lost it again.
God shows His faithfulness. He is good. He is my comforter. He is my Daddy.
Yesterday was a sweet day leading worship with the Andy Melvin band. I am SO thankful for my church. SO thankful. I can't even tell you how blessed and humbled I am to be alongside some pretty amazing people.
It was a beautiful time worshiping Jesus and leading His people to a deeper place with an unspeakable joy. God shows up in power and moves in ways unimaginable.
If you've made it this far. Thanks for reading!
Just wanted to be transparent and real.
I read this, this morning and will end with this, it's from Spurgeon:

Psalm 29:11 "The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace."
David had just heard the voice of the Lord in a thunderstorm and had seen His power in the hurricane whose path he had described; and now, in the cool calm after the storm, that overwhelming power by which heaven and earth are shaken is promised to be the strength of the chosen. He who wings the unerring bolt will give to His redeemed the wings of eagles; He who shakes the earth with His voice will terrify the enemies of His saints and give His children peace. Why are we weak when we have divine strength to flee to? Why are we troubled when the Lord's own peace is ours? Jesus, the mighty God, is our strength; let us put Him on and go forth to our service. Jesus, our blessed Lord, is also our peace; let us repose in Him this day and end our fears. What a blessing to have Him for our strength and peace both now and forever!
The same God who rides upon the storm in days of tempest will also rule the hurricane of our tribulation and send us, before long, days of peace. We shall have strength for storms and songs for fair weather. Let us begin to sing at once unto God, our strength and our peace. Away, dark thoughts! Up, faith and hope!